A dance with J-Faction, or Lesbian Kiss

The slushy rain unique to January and Binghamton spat upon my fedora as I turned the corner. A man, smoking, held the door with his foot. He carried a chess box. I idly wondered if it contained more than knight and bishop, but Derringer and Ginsu. Inside, Cyber Cafe West awaited, along with a night full of danger, sweat, and if I played my cards right, caffination.

I walked in, noting all entrances, exits and windows. The rooms were a hodgepodge, mishmash, bric-a-brac amalgamization of no less than 40 years of American heritage. Which is to say, I felt right at home. Victorian fainting couches lay next to Ford-era davenports. A chess room nestled in the back of the establishment. I liked that room.

The back door was there. Nice.

"Hey, play a game, mister?" a small gnome of a guy asked.

We flipped, and, as always, I came up white. Pure as the driven snow. My Shakespeare and Chicken Sinclaire arrived just as I was castling the guy.

"Best two outta three?" I asked, munching through the foccacio bread, peppers, mozarella and lil' chicknen. The cold root beer and vanilla concoction they called "Shakespeare" did credit to the Bard.

As I was finishing up the Sinclaire, I noticed a small crowd gathering just beyond my sight, in the Sunshine room. Being night, Ace felt this was just a little too suspicious.

"I'll school you later on the third game," Ace drawled.

Ducking past the curtains in the dimly lit room, he noticed Jo sitting on the huge davenport in the front window.

"At last our paths cross, Ace," Jo said. "Where's CC, your ninja-like bodyguard? Or do you think you can fight this battle alone?"

"I don't need any more than I already have," Ace spat out. "What do you think you are doing here? This is clearly not J-faction territory!"

"I can't resist the chocolate screams - so much chocolate & coffee blended into a gargantuan cup. But instead of concerning yourself with drinks, instead concern yourself with how you will get out of here alive!" With that, Jo heaved herself quickly up, and in one motion threw a Shuriken, a ninja star, in Ace's general direction.

The grad students sitting at the table nearby started as Ace quickly took their pizza sized cookie and deflected the star into a nearby laptop.

"NNNNNooooooo," screamed the grad student. "That's my thesis project. I've worked on it for years. There is no backup!"

Chaos ensued, and Ace took the opportunity to remove himself to the chess room.

"Ahhhh, the back door, my friend" Ace breathed out.

"Don't be leaving so quick," the gnome said. "There's a lady out front that wants a word or two with you."

"No, it can't be - you're an agent of J-Faction?" Ace was just a little destroyed. "But you played chess so well!"

Just then, the quick and powerful arm of CC karate-chopped the little gnome.

"CC, where you been?"

"Ace, I've been here the entire time. When you can't see me, you know I'm doing my job better than you could think."

Ace and CC walked back into the slush, out into the parking lot filled with murals. Scaling the wall to get to his vehicle, Ace looked back and saw two lovers saunter out the back door, for a quick kiss on the back deck of the Cyber Cafe West.
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Ace, last bastion of freedom, where only the food is real...

My hearts on fire...

Ace decoded the message at:
http://www.clemenskogler.net/film/grandcontent.htm

and ended up at the "Istoo/Arnot" mall in the hinterlands of Elmira. Proceeding directly to the center of the mall, Ace met up with the contact - we'll call him "Fred," for his own protection.

"Ace, we can't risk being seen in public - this is quite dangerous, you know," said Fred.

Ace leaned against the clock facing the escalator, with Fred facing away.

"Yes, but the message I decoded from the ordinary website lead me to believe that you would not only have the stuff, but have no qualms about passing it over," mumbled Ace. "Agency J would kill to have the stuff, but you know that this information needs to get out, it needs to be free."

"Okay, the secret to my spinach dip is... Noooo, Ace - RUN..."

Ace looked back, and saw Fred crumple to the ground. Ace jumped on the up escalator, looking for the nefarious assasin, most likely a member of J-faction. At the top of the escalator, Ace noticed a heavily muscled woman walking quickly towards where Ace was about to land.

"Why did I choose to go up? There's only three ways down," Ace mumbled. "But no, wait."

At the top of the escalator, Ace pivoted to the right, running quickly towards the railing, jumped up and then jumped over onto the replica airplane hanging from the ceiling. Pulling on the rope attached to the pulley, the plane gently lowered Ace back down to the ground level.

Quickly, Ace ran for the nearest crowd, and taking off & stowing the silly hat made Ace nearly invisible in the crowd.

"You know, it's been ages since I've eaten at Ruby Tuesday, I wonder if that waitress with all that flair is still there," mused Ace, sauntering down the hallway, chaos erupting behind. "I really should call CC..."

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Remember, only the food is real...

Introducing Ace, Food Detective...

Ace paused at the doorway, waiting for CC (Constant Companion) to catch up - the last caper had been bananas.

It was a complicated and crazy scheme, pulled off by two crazy squirels named Floyd and Lloyd, an army of unmedicated seniors, and a bank heist all rolled into one.

"Smart Monkey," he said, "I could use something smart after that last thing. Good thing we're in Ithaca."

Ace sauntered into the cafe, and checked out the goods behind the counter.

"Too bad it's so brightly lit," CC said. "But at least they have a couch."

Smart Monkey felt they were clever - leaflets dropped from the ceilings, explaining that in some kind of experiement, monkeys were given two kinds of bananas, organic & not, and that the monkeys ate the entire banana, peel & all on the organic bananas, but only at the actual banana on the nots.

"I'll take a banana," Ace drawled.

"Sorry - fresh out," chirped the banana barrista.

Instead, Ace went for the omelet, straight from the chicken, with bits of tofu and uncured ham and unharmed cheese; CC went for the crazy - something called a "Yepwich."

"A Yepwich, really?"

"Yup."

"No, Yep."

"Uh, yup."

Anyways, the Yepwich was purported to be tortured chicken...better make that...sauteed chicken with tomatoes, the still-beating heart of an artichoke, mustard and melted cheese.

More than half of the place was taken up by a stairway to the second, so they took it, and found themselves facing a mural of the sky, with a couple of tables hanging out on the edges.

The waiter brought the chow up, but not in a dumb waiter... and it was decent. The eggs, good (tasted just like the cruel eggs of yesterday) the tofu, hidden (always good) and the other stuff, traditional.

"How's that Yup?"

"Yuppie," said CC. "It ain't bad, but the chicken could have been a little peppier..."

"They keep the peppy for the barristas. You shoulda had a cuppa for the perk."

"Hey, isn't that Jo, your arch-food nemisis, walking on by?"

"Quick, let's follow Jo, maybe she'll lead us to the HQ of the J-faction. By the way, next week I'm gonna need you to infiltrate their organization. It may be a little tough, but I'm sure you're up to it."

"Whatever."

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Ace - where only the food is real...